Friday, September 16, 2005
The Birth of Little "Skywalker" - Ep 5.5 - First EncounterBelow is another of J's account on what happened on our first encounter...
Yes. I’m going to see my baby!! Finally!! egghead came early in the morning. He brought me breakfast and wheel me to NICU once after my breakfast. On the way, he told me one thing, like I’m a little girl. “Later when you see Baby, don’t cry in front of him.” Even though he speaks in his softest and calmest tone, I sense some worry in him. Is it really that bad?
Once inside the NICU, egghead showed me to our Baby. There he is. Lying in a ‘box’ attached to a big and tall machine, naked. I was told to wash my hand with ‘some chemical soap’ before I could touch him.
We have a few minutes alone with the baby before a doctor shows up to explained the condition of Baby. From what I can understand from the doctor, due to the lack of oxygen in Baby’s brain, they have to put some medication to put him to sleep for 3 day to limit his brain activity. They also put a few other medications to control his condition. They will only be waking him up after 3 days. What we can do for the time being is only to pray a lot. We were also told to be prepared for the worst. Be prepared if Baby’s unable to wake up forever, or be prepared if Baby’s to wake up and grow up with abnormalities, and even some organs failures.
I touched him on the face, and hold his tiny little hand. My heartbreaks when I see tubes in his mouth, on his belly, his hand, and legs. Nonetheless, I’m able to hold myself strong. I rubbed my hand against his face, hand, and legs, and spoke gently to him. “Baby, Mama came to see you, open your eye and see.” I’m so glad he is such a cute and good looking baby, yet so sad and keep wondering what really happened to him. “No matter what you will wake up to be, please wake up!!”
Egghead send me back to my ward after half an hour with Baby, as we are not suppose to be there all the time to disturb Doctors do their job. Once outside tear flows endlessly. I couldn’t help but keep blaming myself for not learning more about delivery process, not learning the exercises, the breathing techniques, and not pushing hard enough in the delivery room. Although the Doctor told us the reason for the lack of oxygen is unknown and might be due to some complications during pregnancy, I still think the reason is me not pushing hard enough and in a wrong way. I must have hurt Baby’s brain.
Back in the ward, egghead accompanies me and comforted me. We talk about Baby’s name. We have been searching for a nice name for Baby since very beginning of pregnancy but haven’t decided on any yet, as we wanted to give him the best name that will bring him good life.
We also talk about how we would still love and care about Baby even if he wakes up and grow up with abnormalities. And most unwillingly, egghead gently reminded me of the probabilities that Baby would never get to wake up. We also think of a colleague of mind who actually lost her baby a year before. Her also experience difficulty in getting the baby out. Her baby also stuck for too long and there is brain damage. Her baby stayed in NICU for a month and finally let go. We were so scared the same thing will happen to us. She is a strong lady who takes the whole incident very bravely.
For a "in-depth" and "behind the scenes" account on the actual events, please refer to this.
continue to Ep 6 - The Wait
Jotted down by Egghead :: at around 9/16/2005 10:30:00 AM :: and invited 2 Blah(s):
2 Blah(s) by:
littlegirl,
,
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